the time i quit sugar because some doctors said to and then i made art with it
“Woman is, as people say, the weaker sex, and that anxiety belongs to her more than to man.”
There’s a book called, First, We Make the Beast Beautiful by Sarah Wilson and within this book, Sarah writes about her experiences investigating her anxiety by looking at different triggers, treatments, and symptoms.
Within the book, there’s a section where Sarah discusses the correlation between anxiety and sugar addiction, as it’s known that people with anxiety tend to also have an addiction to sugar… although we tend to hide it very well.
“I’d been told I should quit my seductively gnarly habit by several doctors and naturopaths. Seductively gnarly? I was one of those types who ate ‘healthy sugar’—honey in my chai tea, dates and banana on my maple frosted granola, gluten-free muffins, and so on. I convinced myself, and everyone around me, that I didn’t have a problem. I was, in fact, eating almost 30 teaspoons a day. It’s never surprised me that sugar addiction goes hand in hand with anxiety, and that anxious folk hide the vice so protectively. We’re dopamine junkies, and we don’t like people removing our ‘fix’.”
In this book, I first learned that many doctors, physicians, and psychiatrists were telling people that ‘by quitting sugar, you will quit your anxiety.’
Well, shit. If only I had known earlier that it was that simple…
This happened to Sarah, and while she doesn’t believe the statement to be true, she said that by cleansing her body of sugar, she was able to have a clearer mind and to think better during her moments of a downward spiral.
“Sugar addiction is correlated with anxiety.” This, I completely agree with.
“Anxious folk tend to hide the addiction.” This, I also completely agree with. With shame – and although I’m getting better – I admit that there are many times a week, I find a convenience store to buy bags of candy just to eat all of it within the span of an hour. With even more shame, I will admit that even my partner, the person I live with, does not know of this. How? Different work schedules become very helpful in this regard. And I never put the garbage in the bin at home: That would be too obvious.
… please don’t tell him.
A side note: There’s a book by Lauren Berlant called Cruel Optimism, which discusses the irony that food is needed for survival, and yet it is also an addictive comfort that we use to numb ourselves, growing our bodies until we are further away from the idealization of a thin body. Berlant also states that although numbing our bodies with food can ruin our mental health, food is “one of the few spaces of controllable, reliable pleasure people have” (Berlant 115).
…I was thinking about this a lot when I was getting ready for my sugarless month. Here I was about to take away one of my only controllable, reliable pleasures.
“By quitting sugar, you quit your anxiety.” This, I am not so sure I agree with. So, I decided to see if the theory was true, and I quit sugar for a month. All sugar: fruits, dairy, pasta, bread, processed foods, etc.
I documented the entire experience and watched as my body changed. The most extreme changes happened to the physical aspects of my body: My skin cleared, and I lost eight pounds, but what I was most intrigued by was how it affected my menstrual cycle.
I thought this was interesting because it also reflects on the many ‘regimens’ that women undertake for weight loss, health and beauty, fitness, etc., that relate to the patriarchal control within a capitalist economy which disciplines women’s bodies.
I would like to make three statements before I continue:
1. I would like to recognize that every body is different, and I would like to acknowledge that in the present day, the female body is not the only one that bleeds.
2. I would like to disclaim that although many physical changes happened to my body throughout this experiment, there were not too many mental ones. My anxiety had lessened, but I wouldn’t say I could control it. And my depression was even worse. But I could breathe easier, and that to me was worth the struggle of the sugarless month.
… Although I think breathing became easier because my stomach was less bloated. It’s easier to breathe when nothing is crushing your lungs.
3. I would also like to declare that the purpose of this experience is not to state that one is good, and one is bad. It is simply a method of enquiry; to share my experience and to create space for a conversation about women’s mental well-being, and the supposed ‘solutions’ and ‘causes’ of our mental illnesses.
My menstrual cycle has never been ideal. By this, I mean that I have had many doctors concerned about it. But when I saw it during my sugarless month, I was in awe. It was finally what all the concerned doctors were looking for. It was pure red. It flowed. I had never had a period like this before. I wanted to enlarge it and show it to the world. And so, I decided to do just that.
A Fun Fact, from For Her Own Good: Two Centuries of the Experts Advice to Women by Barbara Ehrenreich and Deirdre English:
Historically, a menstrual cycle has been considered a “periodic illness requiring rest and seclusion” (Ehrenreich and English xiv). Not only that but mental illness was originally considered a ‘women’s disease’ caused by ‘hysteria’ (i.e., originating in the uterus, as ‘hysteria’ comes from the Greek word for uterus).
A women’s menstrual cycle is something that is usually hidden within society. It is something that is considered a secret, often causing embarrassment when discussed and whispered in public. The image of it is completely excluded from the public sphere. Hence, these photographs needed to be as large as I could affordably make them to create an evident signification of this thing that is usually kept hidden from view and in doing so, break away from the patriarchal power that keeps it in the shadows.
And so, I printed them on silk and installed them in a hallway and forced people to have to walk through them… obviously.
I was able to watch people walk through the banners and see their reactions shift and change as they first had looks of wonder as they seemed to try and figure out what the images represented. They would touch the fabric as they moved by, stop to look at the title card, and either laugh or cringe once realizing what the images portray. It felt very much like a social experiment, investigating how the community reacts to bodily truths.
What I found interesting about using silk, is that it completely contrasts with the menstrual cycle. It pays homage to all women before me who were perceived as delicate but were hiding their strength.
Silk is also a seemingly weightless fabric. It is considered a luxurious material, used only for the finest of things. The silk was chosen as it is the literal complete opposite of a menstrual pad and tampon. It is non-absorbent and it is something that is not thrown out very often. It is delicate and thin; everything the patriarchal and capitalist society says a woman should be.
I guess I can say that although I think quitting sugar changed my mental health, I don’t know if I can say that it was for the better or worse. I think that overall, it can have some positive outcomes, especially with the mental and physical health being so intertwined, but to say that all you need to do to fix your anxiety is to stop eating sugar… that’s a bold statement, especially when the science around mental illness hasn’t actually been determined yet, (but we’ll get into that later).
… maybe going sugar-free could just be considered an optional place to first begin making the beast beautiful.