feeling guilty for feeling sad
This has taken me a long time to write now as I haven’t been sure of the right words, and I know this topic may have very differing opinions.
I want to talk about feeling as though you shouldn’t feel anxious or depressed when so many people have it ‘worse off’ than you.
I once told my therapist that (what I call the ‘logical side’ of my brain) felt guilty for feeling and thinking the thoughts that (what I call the ‘other side’) was thinking and feeling. In other words, I was feeling guilty for feeling sad and depressed.
I can’t remember the exact words that he said, but it was something along the lines of:
As human beings, it is very easy to compare our lives with the lives of those around us. We turn on the news and we see war and poverty and murder and starvation and sickness and so much more – it makes it very easy to say, ‘you have nothing to be depressed about – you’ve got your health and a home and a job and people who love you.’ But it is not fair to compare one's realities to another’s when that is all they know and all they’ve experienced.
He then goes on to say:
If money and roofs and family members were all that it took to ensure the happiness of all individuals, we would have a cure for mental illness.
This really stuck with me, and although there are times when I still feel guilty about the way that I feel, and there may be people who tell me that I shouldn’t feel a certain way because their situation was ‘so much worse,’ remembering this helps put my mind at ease.
However, I do think this ‘needing to compare’ becomes a major issue, because not only does this create a kind of ‘competition’, especially as mental illness stats continue to increase, but it also tells individuals that their feelings are not important and in doing so, may stop them from either seeking help or voicing it out loud again. It is also worrisome because as the rates increase and the more common mental illness becomes, the more comparative we may begin to feel and start to only validate the most extreme cases, rather than everyone.
I was doing some research on this (and by research, I mean googling and book reading, not actual experimentation in this case), and I found out from a few different sources that students and youth have begun to avoid reaching out for help because they’ve begun to view their amplified stress, increased anxiety levels, and unhappiness as ‘not serious enough’, when comparing it to everyone and everything else around them.
I remember one of the things that seemed to come along with puberty was the involuntary and continuous comparison that we did against one another. Although at the time, I remember (naively) feeling as though it was mostly physical comparison (especially while being more aware of my physical body changing and growing), thinking back to it, there were hints of mental and emotional comparison as well.
I say this foolishly as I try not to think too much about my teenage years… I think a lot of the memories have gone to this locked box within my mind to stop me from remembering.
It is extremely difficult to avoid this comparative behaviour, particularly while you’re trying to figure out who you are at such a young age. But I think as adults, one of the things we can do now is to stop saying “other people have it worse” because the younger generation is listening.
Now, this is not to say that perspective is not important.
It is extremely important to know what is happening to others around the world so that we can stand up and change it. But it is still just as important for us as individuals to know that what we are feeling and going through is difficult and deserving of help just as much. After all, we can’t help others until we help ourselves first.
…Kinda like airlines when they tell you to put your mask on before helping someone else put theirs on.
As a community, we have to dismiss this negative way of thinking that there are always others who have it worse off than us and therefore we don’t deserve help.
Even though pain and emotions affect different individuals differently, nobody should have to feel as though they aren’t worth helping.
Nobody deserves that.